The Great Purge....

Well I survived my birthday... Better yet, my loved ones all came out intact and with no horrid diagnosis either.. That is a win for an October 24th day...

I spent much of the weekend sickly, cuddled up on the couch with Double Trouble watching either horror flicks, or old Superman flicks, and mainly feeling sorry for myself.

Today it really hits me.. I have too much bad juju, and nothing really to look forward to. People always criticize me for being "too strong" , stating that I am too strong willed for my own good. Yet, when any amount of weakness is shown, and amount of need is requested to be filled, POOF, all those well meaning criticizers are gone...

I mean not a hide nor hair to be seen... A few meaningless conversations about absolutely nothing at times can leave one refreshed... But times like these, it really just shows how insignificant I can be. The vast array of emotions are lain bare.. The leader of the pack is Anger himself..

How can one cheer on the worlds endeavors when they feel rejected, abandoned, and simply betrayed? They cannot.. So, it is time to lay it on the line.... To climb that bitch of  a mountain one more time.. To Hope of all Hopes that the smallest  of Hopes can come to fruition. Complete a stroke instead of barely treading.

I call to me the Better.. The Better Job, the Better Skill, The Better Reason, The Better Love, The Better Ally, The Better Friend, The Better Life... I Banish the rest, and I lie down in Peace knowing that the suffering was for Reason, but better yet, has moved on....


~V

Good?? What?

Trying to be a good human these days is like wearing barbed wire under-garments. No matter how you move, or not move, it fucking hurts. Technology perverts its purpose by creating more work with the promise of less later. But later only brings the same phrase. Instead of having more time, you just have more tasks. Expectations of being the All Knowing and All Encompassing are well, they shouldn't exist to begin with, but all of a sudden damn you if you're not both at the same time, double accredited flipping Bachelor Master Degree with the Platinum Seal of Fucking Awesomeness.

Why do we allow this world to put such notions in our heads? I firmly believe the human race was once and amazing species. Full of wanderlust and love of life. Aboundless courage, and probably so flawless that descriptions like "nobility", "humanity", and "compassion" did not need to exist. It was simply how it was. Somewhere along the way, we developed a sense of entitlement, and bred laziness, discontentment, and blame. To be "our Brother's keeper" or to run away? Or the ones who seem to be doing the "right" thing, when every word out of there mouth is foul and completely wrong.. Why do we listen? Or the ones that say the "right" things, but every action is mean, selfish, and polluted.. Why do we stand back and watch?

Well these days, we not only watch, but bust out our cell phones and take videos to upload to YouTube.. Because that is how we get attention!

Rant over.. Continue about your day..

Peter or Paul

The thing about robbing Peter to pay Paul, is that eventually Peter dries up and becomes bitter.. Like an undervalued and overworked woman, he lashes out with such ferocity that one can hardly believe the detriment that lies about their feet once its done.

Its all about decisions... If not for the children, the struggle would not be so difficult.. But because of the children, I find myself unable to accept opportunities that would greatly lesson the burden.. Such is life I suppose.. It is all about "da struggle". These little people that I brought into this world... Feeding them all too well along the way. To the point that left overs are a curse word, and every meal has to be home cooked and at least 3 courses.

They say one day I am going to miss this.. That I will look back and laugh. I will counsel these little people as they go through similar struggles of their own. I can definitely say that I know for a fact that I will miss them, but this crap is for the birds...

Never Grow up...

A Little Patience...

The now Classic (gasp) rock song by the one and only Guns N Roses, keeps playing in my head... For months now... Sometimes I catch it on 97.1 The River, you know the radio station that deemed all the music I grew up on old enough to be "classics" right? Well, each time it comes on, I turn it up and sing as loud as I possibly can, just trying to absorb the message. Like if I am singing it to myself, it MUST get through right? Yes, yes THIS WILL WORK.

One would think after birthing 4 boys, having the first run off to the Army last year, the second ready to fly after graduation this year, and the mind numbing, soul crushing, total insanity of 8 year old identical twin boys, that by now, I should have MOUNTIANS of patience. Well, I do not.. I am lacking. God only gave this gal so much space, so I guess that virtue was just too big to fit.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same action over and over, yet expecting a different result. I find myself constantly battling this. Fearful of change, but the only thing that can ever be truly relied upon is change itself, leaves me a complete mess. Do not get me wrong, there are plenty of things that I want. I know that to get those things, that I HAVE to make changes. The road to hell is paved with the best intentions, and no matter how many times I start the implementation process it only takes a couple dozen "road blocks" before I add it to the "FAIL" list.

A long time ago, there was this thing called Myspace.. I used to vent quite frequently there, in eloquent prose at an attempt to purge the demons, and grasp onto whatever light that I could find. Then came this thing called Facebook, and a world was opened.. reconnections, new connections, hell, even just saying hello to a sibling would all happen there... It is just too much. Too much bitching, too much drama, too much non original thought. My world is big enough. I do not need friend requests from your lover. I have enough friends. I have enough people that I never get to see, that I always miss, and that I am always loving.

So now I begin again... New Chronicles... Begin again.. Lets do it..